Been Doing Some Thinking

After yesterday's run-in with an old college friend, I talked to a friend that knew us both during that time in our lives who helped me gain some perpective. She made some valid points that I think need to be said, and after this post, I will let it go. So here goes my own version of self-therapy. It might get gritty, but I think it's necessary to say everything so nothing can keep me from dwelling on the past/what-could-have-been.

This is my version from the very beginning.

It was the fall of my Junior year in college. I had spent the summer defying my parents over a boy who did even call me his girlfriend. That fall I started my first semester of writing for the school newspaper. There was a mix of people on staff, many outside my usual social circle, and I began making friends.

Early in the semester, my boyfriend told me he had cheated on me. His omission of guilt not only broke my heart, but it broke me. It just so happened that he told me via text message right before a weekly staff meeting of the school newspaper. Let's just say I was a wreck. Crying in front of people I barely knew.

Not long after that, my university experienced a school shooting. Two young boys died. It was terrible. The newspaper staff met that Monday, as usual, to get to work on the stories. I was assigned to write an obituary on one of the boys, and I was teamed up with a boy on staff who was to write the other.

I didn't have Facebook at that time because I was disaffiliated for sorority formal recruitment that spring. So we shared his Facebook account to get in touch with some friends and siblings of the two boys who died.

That was our first experience working together. Fast forward. If we were assigned stories that we didn't like or could go to, we would switch stories. He was my only ally when it came to the dreaded sports editor's hatred toward me. Sports editor would assign me sports stories, and we would switch it without mean ole sports editor's approval.

One week I was assigned to cover the opening of a new pizza place near campus. I asked everyone on staff if they wanted to come with me, and I only had one bite from a freshman girl. This boy felt sorry for me, saying that I would be miserable the whole time with her. So he offered to be a buffer for the awkward conversation that was sure to happen.

Little girl never showed. So we ate pizza alone.

I'm not really sure how we exchanged phone numbers, but I feel like it happened during the obit team writing. My memory fails me. But anyway, we started texting and talking on the phone frequently. All the while I was still crushed over my ex-boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend and I were still on-again-off-again for months after the omission of guilt. It was the longest break-up in the history of break-ups.

Boy from the newspaper and I talked pretty much regularly. It was almost like second nature. He was one of a few people who could make me laugh during the Dark Days.

Now this is where it gets hazy. I'm not sure how it happened. But boy from the newspaper feelings for me changed, and he started to like me as more than a friend. And he asked me on dates. Yes, dates. And I said no. Every time. I'm not sure of exactly what I said or how I said it, but I'm sure those words were burned into his memory. And I'm sure he can remember exactly how he felt when I said them.

I stand by my decision to not date him. I was a broken mess. He would have been a rebound guy, and I knew that. It would have been wrong. I cared too much about him to let him get mixed up in the craziness that was my life then. I would not have been a healthy relationship for either of us.

It was brought to my attention last night by my friend who knew us both that he may still be harboring those negative feeling and words I said to him so many years ago. For the past while, I've been hell-bent on he and I becoming friends again. But what if he doesn't want to be my friend again? Or even worse, what if he can't? I feel like that with people who have hurt me bad enough. Why can't he?

It's a sad realization when you see what-could-have-been flash before your eyes. (That happened yesterday.) But it's even worse when you realize that you can cause another human so much unintentional pain. (This happened last night and today). I would have never hurt him intentionally, but I hurt him nonetheless. That realization is the biggest slap in the face.

But we must remember that everything happens for a reason. We came into each other's lives to make change happen. And now we have both changed. So it wasn't all bad. But our friendship was lost along the way. It was one of those pure friendships that don't come along very often, and I'm sad that's gone.

And I think what if he's not the same as he use to be. What if he's changed so much that I won't recognize my old friend from college? I just have to remind myself that if he has changed so much so that I don't recognize him (personality-wise), then I was just a stepping stone in his journey to becoming the person he's suppose to be. And he was just a stepping stone for me to look back on and know I can only move forward. But I will always consider him a step in the right direction and a light during my dark days.

I am letting it go. There is nothing more to say on the matter. I've reached out to make contact with him via Facebook. And we had an impromptu meeting in Starbucks yesterday. But I fear our relationship will never fully recover. And that's ok. This will be the last mention of him on this blog. And with it goes the regret and sadness of the loss of friend.

I pray for you friend. That you find what you are looking for. That you become the person you are suppose to be. That you accomplish all the things you want in life. That you are infinitely happy.

IF you ever get the itch to contact me, you know how. And I would say don't ignore that itch. I'm not sure where I'll be IF you ever decided to do that, but I'm sure we can figure out a way to get some coffee or a Diet Dr. Pepper.

But for now, I bid you adieu.
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Stay tuned, Bloggies. We go back to regularly scheduled posting full of grad school whoas and funny stories. Just had to have this moment of seriousness. Sometimes it's necessary. And in this case valid.

Be loving you guys. Thanks for staying with me while I think.
Until next time...

Starbucks Can Have Creepers

So I didn't have time to post today at work, and I wasn't planning on posting today because I always need to recap before class, which starts at 6 P.M. But this couldn't wait until tomorrow. It is one of those things that needed to be shared immediately after it happened. So here it is...

I am a frequenter of Starbucks. And I am one of those people who like to go to a particular Starbucks. I love being able to form bonds with the people who help fuel my daily caffeine addiction. But today something different happened. It seemed like a normal trip to Starbucks, but it turned out to be pretty creepy.

It starts with my choice of outfit today. Since I've been working later in the day, I get to come in later in the mornings. So I didn't have to be at work until 10:30 A.M. today. So I had time to get up, shower, pick an outfit, do my make-up and fix my hair. I must admit it was one of my better days (not to toot my own horn).

I chose to wear a new outfit consisting of a cute light-weight black and white striped sweather and black ankle dress pants with black patent heels (which are work appropriate). I did the "sorority poof" with my hair and a little teasing of the bangs to keep them from being unruly, and I did my usual make-up routine. NOTE---I usually dress up for work and wear make-up. The hair is a rarity since I don't have time to poof it to my liking at my usual time I get ready.

I received a lot of compliments at work today from my beautiful co-workers. But it wasn't out of the ordinary since they are a loving bunch that dish out compliments on the reg. But today was different...I blame the hair.

Back to Starbucks...I go there every day before class so I can stay awake during a two and a half hour lecture. Today was no different. I came through the door, walked up to the counter and ordered my usual. The Barista a.k.a. Cloud Jacobs-look-a-like took my order and wished me a good rest of the day.

I walk over the area where everyone waits to get drinks. As I am waiting, I notice a couple curled up on the couch staring at me. I take a quick look their way, see them snuggled up, silently gag to myself because they look like any other couple into PDAs and move on. But it was weird because I could feel them staring at me.

Barista No. 2 hands me my drink, and I make a beeline for the door. Just as I'm halfway to my car and think I am scott-free I hear a girl yelling at me, "Miss!! Miss!!!"

I turn around, and it's the girl from the couch. She asks me where I got my shirt. I point to the store across the way showing her. She proceeds to tell me I am the best dressed girl in Little Rock that she has seen, that she just moved here from Fairfield Bay, and that she was dressed down because she had doctors' appointments all day.

I say okkkaaaayyyyy. And I try not to be creeped out and be as nice as I can be....but my creep-o-meter is flashing off the wall.

She continues with the following:

"OMG, you are just the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Me and my brother were talking about you the whole time you were in Starbucks. Did you see my brother? He was the one I was cuddled up to because we were trying to get your attention and make you jealous because you know that works in making girls jealous, right? So where are you from? What are you doing here? How old are you? I just love you. You are just so pretty. I mean my brother wanted to talk to you, but he doesn't know how to come up to girls. And you just look so great and pretty. So I was like watch this, I will go talk to her for you. So did you see him? By the way my name is Leah."

I was completely overwhelmed and a little freaked out to say the least.

First, the brother-sister duo cuddled up to try to make me jealous. So many things are wrong with that besides the obvious.

1. Brothers and sisters should not cuddle in a public and/or private setting. That is just weird.
2. Cuddling on a couch in Starbucks is not the best way to get girls.

Second, she kept wanting to know all about what I was doing, where I was going, where I came from, where I lived, where I worked, how old I was, etc. All personal things that you don't tell a person who stares at you in Starbucks and chases you out of the place.

Third, if the brother was interested he needs to grow some gonads and approach me himself. There is nothing worse than a guy who isn't confident enough to come up to girl on his own. (Not that this guy would have gotten a good response since he was cuddled up on the couch with his SISTER!!)

Moral: The total package (A.K.A hair, make-up and dress clothes) should be worn with caution. Be ready for anything to come your way, even if it is a creepy set of siblings.

I guess next time I will have to leave one thing out. Example: Hair and make-up with jeans and a t-shirt. or dress clothes with make-up and straight hair. (This is usually what I would look like...and nobody creepy approaches me like this).

But it would have been great if my total package had attracted a Rob Pattinson or a John Mayer or something of that nature...but noooooo I attract creepy siblings.

Until next time...