The Joys of Free Time

There are times in one's life when it feels like there is not enough time. And there are times in life when you are praying for something to do.

Right now, I'm in the latter group.

There comes a time in a person's life where watching Netflix excessively, eating too much cereal, deciding if working out is a priority and figuring out how long you can do without clean clothes becomes less cool.

In college and right after college, those things still seem acceptable. But after having a job, being unemployed, getting a new job and becoming unemployed again, it just doesn't seem right anymore.

Having all this free time brings on feelings of guilt and inadequacy. It's depressing. And humbling. And frustrating.

And three years ago as a first year grad student who was working and driving all the time, I would have killed for free time.

You always want what you can't have. And once you get it, it's just not as colorful as you thought it would be.

I long for the feeling of contentment. And I usually take to content feelings like a duck to water. I like knowing what I have is enough. That I have it together enough to feel satisfied. That's a beautiful thing.

And then something happens that makes those feelings go away.

Losing your job to lack of funding. Landing two perfect-for-you job interviews but not getting the jobs. Meeting someone you really like for the first time in a LONG time but not getting to spend time with said person because of 500 miles of highways.

I'd love to tell you it was just one of those things bothering me. But I'd be lying.

And I have been doing stuff. It's just not stuff an almost 26-year-old woman with a college degree/pending Master's degree should be doing with her time.

For example:

• Excessive time spent on Pinterest. Just a few things that have caught my eye.

• Yoga, which is a pretty productive use of my time. I do still need to workout.
• Job hunting. AKA sifting through the desert wasteland. Also productive.
• Domestic chores. AKA laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Again with productivity.
• Excessive Netflix watching. It's gotten so bad that I can barely find anything to watch.
• Thesis work. Less productive.
• Daydreaming about said person 500 miles away. My productivity black hole.
• Blog reading. One of my favorite ways to pass time.
• Thumb tweedling.

On a positive note, the roommate and I did go horseback riding on Sunday. 

The roommate got a blind-in-the-right-eye horse. He was a gentle giant. A perfect gentleman, too. 

I got a horse named Candy.

She liked to go the same speed as molasses. I was usually 4-5 horse links behind no matter how hard I kicked her in the side. Although at one point, she did break into a trot, which in turned left me with a bruised butt. I wish I was kidding. But I'm not.

Other things to mention about horseback riding: 

• Always wear pants to prevent chaffing.
• 100 degrees is not ideal horseback riding weather.
• Be prepared for a bruised butt due to trotting.

Now since I have all this free time, you'd think I'd write on this blog every day. But I can almost guarantee each days post would sound like this.

I got up. Brushed my teeth. Made coffee. Watched Netflix. Applied for jobs/went to the library to work on the thesis. Came home. Went to yoga/went to run. Ate dinner. Exercised the most self control to not text/call said person 500 miles away so I don't look like a needy girl. Went to bed. Tossed and turned. Fell alseep after 1 a.m. Repeat.

Nobody wants to read that depressing crap every day. So I'll try to do my best to come up with better content.  

Some Things Fall Apart So Better Things Can Fall Together

I got some pretty neat things the other day. And I want to show them to you. But I've got something else I need to talk about. So here's the deal. I'm gonna show you the pictures with minimal descriptive words, and then get to the heart of this post. Remember when I said transparency...Well I meant it.

I got new bowls and cookbooks from Anthropologie. It's all too good. And those outrageous yellow beauties are currently on the way to my doorstep from California.

Now on to the next part of the show.

Right before Christmas I told you I had a friendship break-up. And while I'm not ready to discuss the details of said break-up, I do need to talk about some things that have been brought to light.

Not a week before the friendship break-up, my friend Jodi posted a quote on Twitter that said "Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come of it." (Come to find out it's from the movie We Bought a Zoo, which I loved, just FYI.)

The whole time my friend was in Little Rock I kept thinking about how I need to tell him everything I was feeling about our relationship. So I worked up the courage and did something about it. And got a response I didn't want, but figured would happen.

Now I haven't told anyone this part of the story yet. But it's important to talk about today because I found out he is now engaged.

The day I told him everything, we spent some time talking about other stuff. And somehow we happened onto the subject of Heaven and Hell. And I being the girl born and raised in the Bible Belt, spent elementary school at a private Lutheran school, and attended church on the reg for years said something like, "Well it doesn't matter if I die because I know where I'm going." Meaning I know that I'm gonna go to Heaven when the good Lord tells me it's my time.

And his response to me was "You don't know that for sure."

We then went into this long, drawn out conversation about if God was actually real. As a Christian, it was a true test of my faith, and I tried very hard to stick to my guns. But my friend was very adamant about not knowing for sure.

The point of this story is not to offend anyone, it's to help explain myself a little better.

As he was saying all these things to me, I found myself becoming angry, and I got really quiet. And then he changed the subject.

And that was the moment I knew, even if he accepted all the things I was about to say, it wasn't going to work between us.

God is a big part of my life. I pray on the reg. And when I want to talk about Him, I want my significant other to share the same feelings of love for our Savior as I do. And when it comes time for me to leave this earth, I want my man to know and believe that I'm going to a better place, and that he will go there, too.

So I'm sure you're wondering why I went through with the whole telling of the feelings crap. I had to for me to know for sure. Sometimes you just need to hear that it's not in the cards.

And while we were friends for 3 years and he asked me out in college and I told him how I feel now, it would have never worked out because it's not suppose to. Because God has made a man especially for me.

And I can't wait of that day.

So it's totally ok that he's engaged. And it's totally ok that I said all the girly feelings. And it's all ok because some things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Ever Moving Forward

What is it about friendship break-ups that are so much worse than regular break-ups?

I broke a friendship yesterday. But in my defense, it was a long time coming and I got the worse end of the break-up stick. Truth is I'm not ready to talk about what happened. I need time to heal and gain some perspective on the entire situation.

But you can read about the saga of our relationship here and here and here. Like I said, it was a long time coming. And I knew once I said what I needed to say, his response would not be the one I wanted to hear. But I did it anyway even though I knew it would cause me a lot of pain.

When it comes right down to it, if I had never said anything about the way I was feeling, he would have been oblivious for a long time. And I would have always wondered what if. But now I know it's not what I thought it could be. So I push on. Ever moving forward.

The roommate wrote me a note to try to cheer my spirits. I found it by the coffee pot this morning. Reason 987459827 as to why she's the best roommate ever.

It says:
Things to think of today...

• We have in our possession a pair of the exact gloves they wear on Deadliest Catch. We can pick up everything frozen.
• We are freakin funny.
• We own a Christmas fetus candle. (ed. note: The candle is called Christmas Festival...the roommate can't read.)
• NEEDTOBREATHE. Well we met them. Looked into all their eyes.
• We be lovin each other.
• We own 4,052 coffee cups.
• Animal dance moves of ours are clearly inspirational.
• SHUT UP DAVID.
• Katie is most likely on her bed.
• We are going to get a sticker
• Cancas.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to talk about the details of what happened yesterday...and the past week...and the past three years. But someday, I'll share this life lesson with you. But I can already tell you I'm a better person for having had the experience. A much braver person than I thought I ever could be.

Been Doing Some Thinking

After yesterday's run-in with an old college friend, I talked to a friend that knew us both during that time in our lives who helped me gain some perpective. She made some valid points that I think need to be said, and after this post, I will let it go. So here goes my own version of self-therapy. It might get gritty, but I think it's necessary to say everything so nothing can keep me from dwelling on the past/what-could-have-been.

This is my version from the very beginning.

It was the fall of my Junior year in college. I had spent the summer defying my parents over a boy who did even call me his girlfriend. That fall I started my first semester of writing for the school newspaper. There was a mix of people on staff, many outside my usual social circle, and I began making friends.

Early in the semester, my boyfriend told me he had cheated on me. His omission of guilt not only broke my heart, but it broke me. It just so happened that he told me via text message right before a weekly staff meeting of the school newspaper. Let's just say I was a wreck. Crying in front of people I barely knew.

Not long after that, my university experienced a school shooting. Two young boys died. It was terrible. The newspaper staff met that Monday, as usual, to get to work on the stories. I was assigned to write an obituary on one of the boys, and I was teamed up with a boy on staff who was to write the other.

I didn't have Facebook at that time because I was disaffiliated for sorority formal recruitment that spring. So we shared his Facebook account to get in touch with some friends and siblings of the two boys who died.

That was our first experience working together. Fast forward. If we were assigned stories that we didn't like or could go to, we would switch stories. He was my only ally when it came to the dreaded sports editor's hatred toward me. Sports editor would assign me sports stories, and we would switch it without mean ole sports editor's approval.

One week I was assigned to cover the opening of a new pizza place near campus. I asked everyone on staff if they wanted to come with me, and I only had one bite from a freshman girl. This boy felt sorry for me, saying that I would be miserable the whole time with her. So he offered to be a buffer for the awkward conversation that was sure to happen.

Little girl never showed. So we ate pizza alone.

I'm not really sure how we exchanged phone numbers, but I feel like it happened during the obit team writing. My memory fails me. But anyway, we started texting and talking on the phone frequently. All the while I was still crushed over my ex-boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend and I were still on-again-off-again for months after the omission of guilt. It was the longest break-up in the history of break-ups.

Boy from the newspaper and I talked pretty much regularly. It was almost like second nature. He was one of a few people who could make me laugh during the Dark Days.

Now this is where it gets hazy. I'm not sure how it happened. But boy from the newspaper feelings for me changed, and he started to like me as more than a friend. And he asked me on dates. Yes, dates. And I said no. Every time. I'm not sure of exactly what I said or how I said it, but I'm sure those words were burned into his memory. And I'm sure he can remember exactly how he felt when I said them.

I stand by my decision to not date him. I was a broken mess. He would have been a rebound guy, and I knew that. It would have been wrong. I cared too much about him to let him get mixed up in the craziness that was my life then. I would not have been a healthy relationship for either of us.

It was brought to my attention last night by my friend who knew us both that he may still be harboring those negative feeling and words I said to him so many years ago. For the past while, I've been hell-bent on he and I becoming friends again. But what if he doesn't want to be my friend again? Or even worse, what if he can't? I feel like that with people who have hurt me bad enough. Why can't he?

It's a sad realization when you see what-could-have-been flash before your eyes. (That happened yesterday.) But it's even worse when you realize that you can cause another human so much unintentional pain. (This happened last night and today). I would have never hurt him intentionally, but I hurt him nonetheless. That realization is the biggest slap in the face.

But we must remember that everything happens for a reason. We came into each other's lives to make change happen. And now we have both changed. So it wasn't all bad. But our friendship was lost along the way. It was one of those pure friendships that don't come along very often, and I'm sad that's gone.

And I think what if he's not the same as he use to be. What if he's changed so much that I won't recognize my old friend from college? I just have to remind myself that if he has changed so much so that I don't recognize him (personality-wise), then I was just a stepping stone in his journey to becoming the person he's suppose to be. And he was just a stepping stone for me to look back on and know I can only move forward. But I will always consider him a step in the right direction and a light during my dark days.

I am letting it go. There is nothing more to say on the matter. I've reached out to make contact with him via Facebook. And we had an impromptu meeting in Starbucks yesterday. But I fear our relationship will never fully recover. And that's ok. This will be the last mention of him on this blog. And with it goes the regret and sadness of the loss of friend.

I pray for you friend. That you find what you are looking for. That you become the person you are suppose to be. That you accomplish all the things you want in life. That you are infinitely happy.

IF you ever get the itch to contact me, you know how. And I would say don't ignore that itch. I'm not sure where I'll be IF you ever decided to do that, but I'm sure we can figure out a way to get some coffee or a Diet Dr. Pepper.

But for now, I bid you adieu.
____________________________________________

Stay tuned, Bloggies. We go back to regularly scheduled posting full of grad school whoas and funny stories. Just had to have this moment of seriousness. Sometimes it's necessary. And in this case valid.

Be loving you guys. Thanks for staying with me while I think.
Until next time...

Sometimes You're Not Prepared

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful momma! I'm so happy you came to spend the day with me. I had the best time. For those of you who weren't in attendance on this Mother's Day extravaganza. Here is a recap. Hold on to your hats. You won't believe what happened.

My mom gets to Little Rock this morning at 10:30. We had reservations at a little place down the street from my new apartment. After stuffing our faces, we decide to get coffee at my all time favorite Starbucks. It doesn't matter to me that there are two Starbucks on Cantrell. I want to go to the one on University every time. It has the best feel and nicest people working there.

So we are making our way to the best Starbucks. We get there and go in. As we order our drinks and I'm making conversation with the barista, I see a familiar face. (As I'm writing this, I'm getting the same nervous feeling I get when I'm uber-nervous).

It's the boy I knew in college who liked me, but I was too hung up in my own drama to care at that time. For more on the details of our past, check this out. It's a pretty sad story, and I've always regretted how it ended. In his words, I spurned him. And he is more than likely correct. But that's a whole other story for a different day.

Anyway we see each other, and I basically forget how to function like a human being. It was like I was on auto-pilot, and the real me was hovering above the situation watching. We hugged and made small talk because at that point I was still speechless and acting like a total loonybird.

I haven't seen him in person in three years. And he looks G-R-E-A-T. Really better than great. And we hugged. My heart was beating like 10,000 miles per hour. And I was super nervous and looking for something to say. Nothing clever or interesting came out.

Thankfully, my dear mother came to the rescue. He asked if that was my mom. And I said yes. Then, she took over the conversation because God knows she needed to with me standing there like a mindless idiot. I told him she was into running and that she followed his blog.

And I'm trying to focus on what they are saying. My momma, bless her heart, could not stop staring at him. It was the longest, most nerve-wracking five minutes of my life. It was like someone shot me in the head with a stun gun. I was acutely aware that I had said nothing of importance or cleverness.

Once the conversation ended, my mom and I leave the Starbucks. As we were leaving, I could feel her looking at me. I turned to meet the stare of my mother who knows me better than any other person on this planet. And there was the look.

She said, "Are you serious? That was him? He is so hot. What were you thinking? I can't believe you would pass that up. Are you kidding me? Get back in there and say something."

I said, "I know I was stupid. I was 19. What do you want me to do? He's got a girlfriend. I can't just be all 'Hey, How you doin?' I know I messed up. Dang it."

She said, "Ah, yeah you definitely messed up. He is so cute. I couldn't stop staring at him."

I said, "I know. I'm an idiot."

And that's basically what happened. Little Rock is a big city. I knew he lived here, and I figured we would run into each other eventually, but never in a million years thought it would be two weeks after I moved here.

I know you're wondering what I'm going to do. The answer is nothing. It can't be forced. And it's obvious that I will be a total buffoon and that I will lose my mind whenever I'm around him. I can distinctly remember him saying something to me three years ago. That one day I would realize and reget it. That one day I would be "Dang, he looks great. What was I thinking back then? I knew I should have said yes to all those dates he asked me to go on."

Well it happened today. In real life. I lived the realization. Lesson learned.

Moral: When someone asks you on a date that you actually like, say yes. Forget the hang-ups and the drama of your not-so-important situation that's going on with whatever-his/her-name-is. Go out and have a good time because the guy or girl who asked you out probably is better for you than the current flame you are battling with all the time.

Don't be like I was back then and let the opportunities pass you by. GO. FOR. IT. That way you can see what happens.

So here's to the next times I see you (you know who you are). I'm saying times because I feel like I will need times to get over the social awkwardness that consumes my brain. And I'm saying times because at some point I hope there will be. But until then...I'll see you there, or I'll see you on another time.

Until next time...

Go Big or Go Home

A few good things have come about this weekend that need to be shared. The sickness has died down thanks to a doctor visit and prescibed medication. While I'm not totally healed, I would say 90 percent is better than last week's 30 percent. This should mean a more productive work week. So congratulations...no more sick posts and me being whiny.

BIG HUGE THING: This girl is moving to the big city. Little Rock better get ready for me. I am so excited to say that it is almost official---pending paperwork evaluation. I have been commuting for six months now. As I have said before, it is for the birds. Still not sure how a 25 minute drive can turn into an hour. But that is another rant for another day.

As of April 23, I will no longer be a resident of Conway, AR. I will be living the life in West Little Rock with access to everything I could ever need. Library. School. Work. Fine Dining. Mountain Climbing. Nightlife (when there's time). And I am sure other things that have not been brought to my attention yet.

I am so excited that I could practically burst. Just blow up. Explode. Once we get settled, I will post pictures of the new place with all its fine amenities. Hopefully, I will hear back from them in just a short while because the waiting game is killer. Patience is not one of my finer qualities. It is something I have to work on every day.

While I am uber-excited about moving, the actual move itself is another story. There is nothing I dread more, especially since the new place is on the third floor. This fact will make for a not-so-thrilled Dad when move in day rolls around.

My bedroom furniture is a little extravagant. Four post bed with tall, skinny, long dresser. Average bedside table. You get the general idea. Beautiful to look at, but a pain to move. During this last move, we had to take it completely apart. I am was a nervous wreck about it, but it simply had to be done. This time will be even more interesting---hence the three flights of stairs, narrow stairwells, and  a dad whose hobby isn't moving.

Pray for me.

Last thing on the agenda: a boy.

Three years ago, I ended a relationship. While the end was horrible and painful, it was necessary. We two people did not go together, and we kept trying to find ways to make it work. But it was just broken. So we ended it after a 6 month period of torturing each other. It was like the break-up that wouldn't end. It turned out to be more painful for me because I was more emotionally invested in it. I lost that relationship along with many mutual friendships made during the course of its two years.

During my recovery time, which I like to call the Dark Days, I was a complete wreck mess. True story. I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, hang out with anymore, nothing. I didn't trust anyone, especially boys. Every boy turned into my kryptonite.

I dove into a new major that semester of the Dark Days, and I started meeting new people. People with like interests. One of those being writing. I met a guy during this recovery time. I liked him a lot as a person. He was someone I really enjoyed. We laughed a lot---probably one of few people who could get a laugh out of me during that time. But we were both not in good places in our lives.

I was completely messed up from the relationship that wouldn't end. I was totally hung up on my ex and what was happening with that. It was not a good situation. This boy was shy and not sure of himself, even though I could see there was a big personality in there dying to get out.

Well this boy asked me out. Not just once, but multiple times. And I said no. Not once, but multiple times. Every time to be exact. And then it kind of just fizzled out. I'm sure I was very persistent in avoiding him at all cost. I was 19 and stupid. He quit asking me out, quit sending me texts, quit asking me just to hang out. He just quit. And I let him quit.

The point? I am now fully recovered from the Dark Days, and he is doing life. We are both completely different people now than we were then. Completely different. As I recovered, I kept up with him on the side by reading his blogs. Creepy? Yeah--maybe a little. He has done some awesome stuff with his life.

And I guess I've always kind of wondered what it would have been like had I not said no and been so scared to trust him. But I can't go back, only forward. I recently read that he's been working on a book proposal and has now finished it.

I don't know what happened, but something in my mind clicked and said "Contact him." Well I, of course, ignored it, but it became a reoccuring thought. The thing about reoccuring thoughts is that they should be acted on. I feel like it's God's way of telling me to do something.

So last night, I finally did it. I sent him a Facebook message since I don't have his phone number anymore. I told him Congrats for finishing the book proposal. And that it was a big deal. I hinted at what I was doing now. And just tried to keep in light and friendly because for all I know he could hate me.

I felt instantly better about it. The nagging urge to make contact was subsided, but my anxiety of if he would respond took its place. Now let's get this one MAJOR thing straight: I am not expecting anything to come of it. I just want to be friends. Am I hopeful? Yes, ever hopeful and optimistic. But expectant? No, he has every right to not say anything at all.

As I said, I just want us to be on friendly terms again. Just establish some kind of relationship...and see what happens. Friendship is a beautiful perfect thing, and I would really love to re-get-to-know-him. Because as I said, we are completely different people now.

If it turned into something else, then it would be a whole other thing. Let's just say I would be open-minded, unlike the first time. So here's to hoping and dreaming big. I felt like this was completely necessary to say because 1) I needed to own up to it, 2) I would have forever lived with what if I never say it and he never knows, and 3) when he does know, he can act on it however he chooses---Worst case senario- Things stay the same as they are now.

If you don't take chances, you never know. So there it is. Ever hopeful, never expectant.

Until next time...